Where the Rubber Meets the Road

Thursday, October 8, 2020, was the day that rocked my world.  It not only rocked my physical world, but also my spiritual world.  It made me ask myself if I really believed what I shared so often with other people about my God.  Michael’s first surgery to remove the mass in his brain was performed on October 6^th. Because of Covid restrictions, Michael was only able to have one parent stay with him at the hospital the night before the surgery, but we could both be there during the surgery.  I remember driving out to the hospital crying and praying to the Lord, asking him what would happen to my baby?  Would Michael get through this? I was begging God to be with the surgeons and to give Michael peace and strength.  

When I arrived at the hospital, I parked my car in the underground parking garage of Children’s Hospital, a place that is so busy with activity but feels so lonely. As the grayness of the garage surrounded me, I opened the app for one of the daily devotionals that I would read regularly, The Daily Bread.  The devotional on this particular day was entitled “You’ll See Her Again”.  As I read about a lady who lost her very good friend to cancer, I got a sinking feeling in my stomach. I absorbed the words that were expressed by this woman who painfully remembered her friend who was once a vibrant and energetic person but had now become so weak and quiet. A subtle fear gradually started to invade my heart as I continued to read about her pain from the loss of her friend, but then was filled with comfort by the truth that she would see her friend again.  She was reminded that death is only temporary for believers and that we will reunite in heaven.  I began to weep and asked God if I was being prepared to lose my son?  I didn’t get an answer but I did get an urging to just hope.  

Michael was taken into surgery and we were given a number and instructed that the number would pop up on the monitor to tell us how surgery was progressing and when the surgery was done.  Once we were settled into a place in the waiting room, my husband, Mike, left to grab some breakfast.  He was only gone for about 20 minutes.  Just a few short moments after he returned, we looked up at the monitor, looked for the number we were given and it read, “IN RECOVERY”.  “Mike”, I said, “Look at the monitor.  It says he’s in recovery already.”  It had only been a half hour and the surgery was supposed to be about 5 hours long.  We started to guess at why this was posted.  “Could they have opened him up and there was nothing there?” I wondered.  “Maybe they opened him up and saw that it was so bad, there was nothing they could do so they just closed him up?” I feared.    We went to the desk and asked about the message.  They said it was coming up on their monitor as “In Surgery”.  Seeing the distress on my face, the attendant called the operating room and received the report that surgery was still going on and Michael was doing fantastic. They double checked the monitor in the operating room which also read, “In Surgery”.  The attendant could not change it and could not explain why it read differently on the outside monitor.  Mike and I sat down and continued to speculate on why the monitor read, “In Recovery”.   I wondered out loud, “Could God be sending us a message telling us that he was going to be ok?  That he would recover from this?”.  “Maybe God is telling us that he’s already healed,” I continued to guess as I tried to make sense of what I was reading. Then, Mike made the statement, “Maybe God is telling us that he is in spiritual recovery, that he’ll be ok spiritually.”    Looking back, that was the statement of truth that the Lord put on Mike’s heart.  

After the surgery, tissue samples were sent out to pathology and we were told that it may take some time to get the results.  In just a few days we had initial results.  It was now October 8^th, the day my world shattered into a million pieces. Michael’s healing had been going very well and we were so happy for him.  In fact, they were planning on releasing him the next day, only 3 days after major brain surgery!  I drove to the hospital that morning and was not sure what to prepare for.  I was hoping that it would be great news, that the tumor was benign and the nightmare was over. This was not the case. In fact, it was quite the opposite.  

We received the news that he had a glioblastoma grade 4.  I honestly didn’t know what that meant, but it did not sound good at all.  I purposely chose not to google it because this was Michael’s journey and I did not want to expect anything based on the stories or statistics of other people. Instead, I just wanted to lean into the hope and comfort that the Lord gives us when we seek it.  I did however ask what the prognosis was.  The response from the doctor is a little blurred to me, but what I think I remember was that only 20 percent of kids would live past 2 years.  To me that was 20 percent of hope.  More tests had to be done and we would later receive more news that was not encouraging; however, that initial result was the big punch in the gut for us.  I was numb; I was sad; I was scared, but I was hopeful because I know a God who can do big things. 

For many years I have listened and counseled and encouraged many people. Some are hurt and angry because something in their life was not good, some were abused in various ways, and some had issues with health or employment.  Many asked “Why Me?”  or “Why Does God allow this to happen to me?” My answer is always the same: 

1. God does not promise us a rose garden in this life, but he does promise that he will be there for us if we let him. There is a greater reward in eternity if we accept it.
2. God is a fair and just God. He allows good and bad in everyone’s life.

Well, this is where the rubber hits the road for me.  Now I was in that spot.  This was the time I could have asked, “Why my son?” or could be wondering why “God would allow this?”.  But I chose to do neither. 

Upon hearing the news, several people told me that they don’t understand why this happened to Michael.  They say we are “such good people, we always go to Church” or “Michael is a good kid, he does not deserve this.”   But to this I ask, why not?   Why not us?  What makes us so special that we should not endure the trials that come with life in a fallen world?   If God is a good God, then he is a just and fair God. If he were to keep trials from us simply because we love him, he would be giving preferential treatment and he would no longer be a fair and just God.  In fact he would be playing favoritism and that is not a God I would like to follow. 

 Matthew 5:45 tells us that … “He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.”  I find it interesting that in this statement, when He causes the good thing, which is represented by the sun, the one that we may feel does not deserve it is named first, the evil then he names the just. In the same manner when He sends the not so good thing, trials represented by the rain, the one who we may feel deserve it most is named second, the righteous is named first and the unrighteous is named second.   This is a testament that he is a fair God who puts everyone on a level playing field.   He does not say that our life, as a follower of Christ, will be without trouble.  In fact, he warns us that there WILL be trouble.    The difference is, that when we are a child of God, there are two things that we are able to rely on:

1. Jesus will be with us during that trial.
2. No matter what happens we have an eternal reward and THAT is what it is all about!

Trials are not fun and they are not easy, but we can get through them. As we battled this wicked disease called cancer, there have been many things that I have learned in my spiritual walk and I know Michael learned as well. The most important thing is that God’s word is true; He keeps his promises and I DO believe all the things about Him that I share with other people.  I believe it because I live it and it more real to me now than it has ever been before. We live in an imperfect world that will bombard us with difficult situations, my hope is that you will find the peace and comfort that only the Lord can grant during those times when you seek him with an earnest heart.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” 

John 16:33

The Video below was taken after Michael learned of his diagnosis and wanted to thank everyone for their prayers.