Being Willing to Give Up – When we have to be an Abraham
Looking back on the early days of Michael’s diagnosis, one of the most difficult realities I had to face was the fact that my son’s life may be shorter than I expected or wanted it to be. It was a painful and scary thought that shattered me to the core and contemplating on how this story may end was agonizing. Normally, I am one who does not like to wait for surprises. If I am going to watch a suspenseful movie, I will always want to know how the movie ends before I watch it. It helps me get through the difficult parts of the story. It does not matter if the situation is real or not, when someone is facing a critical struggle, I tend to have a very extreme visceral reaction. By knowing how the story ends, I am able to handle the stress of the situation I am watching knowing that the protagonist will be ok in the end. And, if I do not like the ending, I would choose not to invest my time to watch the movie. This, however, was one ending I did not want to know. At least, not unless it would be the ending that I would write. I remember that late evenings were the most difficult times of the day. After everyone was asleep and the house was full but still felt so lonely, I would be left alone with my thoughts and my conversations with God. Broken, scared and full of tears, I would literally fall to my knees and pray face to the floor. It was the first time in my life I did this and the first time I realized what intimate prayer time with the Lord was like. I had always kept my conversations with God so casual for so many years. Suddenly I longed for what I had been missing out on for so long. I would beg for Michael’s physical healing. I would plead with the Lord to do something that was amazing and miraculous. I had already seen Him move miraculously so many times before in my life. If He would just heal Michael, it would just be one more story, an amazing story! One more thing that God had done in my life…that I would not share with others. He was speaking to my heart. I looked back on my life and all the ways that God had clearly come through for me. So many times, I could have sung His praises but I just took the win and quietly moved on. I came to a point where I realized that I had not been who God created me to be. He gave me experiences to share, stories to tell, seeds to plant. I was lazy and neglectful to the opportunities He had given me and I was selfish with my time. I allowed myself to get busy with life and it was picking up speed. I did the bare minimum to serve the Lord and purposely drowned out the call to do more. I wanted full control over my life and so I started to create my own story to tell. This story included Michael and he was fully agreeable to play an active part in my effort. We became a team to seek out our own wills for our lives and find worth in achievements for ourselves rather than achievements for the Lord and our story, MY story, did not include my child dying from cancer. Each night the thoughts swirled in my mind like a cyclone. Overwhelmed, one of those nights early on in our journey, I sheepishly asked God, “Lord, are you going to heal him or are you going to take him?” At first, I honestly feared the answer to that question and did not really want an answer unless it was “I’ll heal him”. But then I felt the Lord put this question in my heart, “What if my will is not to heal him? What if I have something else for him? Will I still be your God? Will you still praise Me?” Suddenly my mind was filled with images of the potential future. The thought of losing Michael and the things he may endure were gut-wrenching and suffocating. Especially since I knew he did not have a relationship with Christ nor did he want one at that point. It made my heart ache and I wanted to barter with God. I did not want to endure it and I did not want Michael to endure it. Then, suddenly the Lord reminded me about His son and what he endured for us. God knows what it is like to deal with this reality. In fact, He willingly endured this type of pain. He gave up his son and allowed him to suffer and die for me, for us! Suddenly, it was like I was meeting Him for the first time all over again. Tears of pain drenched my face as a cried out to God asking how He did it? The experience of losing someone you love is agonizing! The tears of pain, transitioned into tears of gratitude for His love and forgiveness that I do not deserve. Finally, I got to a place that I had been fighting to stay out of for far too many years. That was a place of complete and full submission. My heart still wanted Michael to be healed but my heart also wanted to accept whatever God had for us. I threw up my hands and gave it all to him. I was finally ready. I was ready to fight the fight. I was ready to weather the storm. I was finally ready to fully trust in Him. Knowing that the thoughts the Lord has for us are thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give us a future and a hope, (Jerimiah29:11) I was ready and willing to do whatever it took to honor and glorify Him